Being young, you think you have your whole life planned out but what you don’t realize is that it can all change overnight. Being 20 years old in a freshly new relationship, I thought I had my whole life planned. I met a guy while at my best friend's wedding and we clicked right away. A couple of months after the wedding we started dating. The first year of our relationship was butterflies and rainbows. We were so in love that nothing could have stopped us…so I thought.
After the honeymoon stage wore off, I started noticing little things that I was not completely content with. Being so young and in love, I looked right past the issues and allowed the behaviors to continue. I am the type of person to always be there for my loved ones, even when it means putting aside myself and my needs. If there is anything I have learned this far in my early 20s, it’s to NOT ignore red flags. Women have a natural intuition like no other and I kick myself for not listening to that little voice sooner. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache. Here are just some of the red flags that I ignored:
He was the type of guy that only seemed to value his mom's opinion. She would make some not-so-nice comments about me in the beginning and he would usually take her side.
He believed dates, flowers, chocolates, etc were a waste of money. He thought his time was enough, nothing extra.
He prioritized alcohol and video games over me. He was a big lover of Bourbon and seemed to always put that in front of me. Most of what we did revolved around alcohol. When I would ask to do something I wanted to do, it was always a no. As the relationship went on I fell farther and farther on his priority list.
He would often stare at other girls' butts when we were in public together and didn't see any issue with that. He also had a full-blown porn addiction which hindered our intimacy. I also caught him on Only Fans a few times. He of course denied it every time. He fell down a porno rabbit hole. He wasn’t interested in having sex with me, only himself. That always made me self-conscious. Clearly, I was not good enough for him nor were my needs. I remember going to great lengths to try to get him to notice me.
He had a major weight problem which dictated a lot of what we did or didn’t do. This also played a major role in his porn addiction. There were so many places we could not go because he was morbidly obese; so many things we could not do together. His health just wasn’t a priority for him.
He thought that going to his girl best friend’s house alone shouldn’t be a problem, along with going to the bar with her alone knowing full well I wasn’t comfortable with it. He had told me all about his previous romantic feelings for her but made sure I knew she’d never be into him. Clearly I was his second choice. He always made me feel inadequate.
He never expressed his emotions and held it in until he would blow up at me. He always said that I was overly dramatic for having anxiety and mental health issues. We both came from different worlds and had different pasts. I was supposed to understand and meet him where he was, yet he never took the time to understand my needs or even meet me in the middle.
When I would bring up these issues he’d change for a couple of days to a week, then go right back to his old ways. He would always make me feel bad or even blame me when he would revert to his old ways too, when in reality he just didn’t want to work on himself. This turned into a vicious cycle.
Now that we have been no contact for quite some time now, I am still receiving texts and phone calls from his parents and family. I was super close with his family and saw them all the time. I get a couple of texts a week from his family checking up on me and making sure I am okay. I know that they do not mean any harm by this, but when I get a text or phone call from them it makes my heart race. I feel super anxious and have to take some time to figure out what to say. I am not sure if they are genuinely being nice and checking on me or if they are hoping that I will come back into the family but I do know boundaries will eventually need to go up.
Looking back I have learned a lot and am still learning as this is still very fresh. The main takeaway is to leave before it gets worse. Staying in a relationship where you do not feel happy only makes you sick mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have recently learned the “let them” theory which has been something that has really allowed me to move on and heal. The “let them” theory helps remind YOU that people are going to live their lives the way they see fit. If they are not putting effort into you, then allow them to go and live their lives the way they want. The letting go part is one of the hardest things that I have experienced with this past relationship. I like to say that I have a big heart and I will always be there for someone no matter what, but I am slowly realizing that you have to put yourself first and that is not selfish. I noticed that I was giving everything I had to him and was not getting anything in return. I was so caught up in love that I was not realizing that I was actually getting hurt. I was giving up so many things that I loved to make him happy and learned that it should not be like that. After going through many traumatic situations, I have gained a new confidence and was so relieved when I told him I wanted to break up. That was a very hard thing to do with someone you thought was your person. That is not a conversation that gets easier but I realized that I needed to get myself back and love myself again. I look back now and see how unhappy I was but I was also scared of never being loved again. I have learned so many lessons that have shaped me into the person I am today. Having a support system has been the biggest blessing throughout this entire ordeal. Surrounding yourself with people that love you allows you to realize who you are and to enjoy the little things when you feel like your world is falling apart.
Comments